Denouement

This is probably too long, but I feel like writing, so read however much you would like to.

I’m David Alexander Devenport.

I was born January 4th, 1999 at 3:52 PM. I weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces.

I am right handed but write with my left when I can. I am trying to become ambidextrous.

People tell me that I have an old soul, but my mom says that I am too childish for that.

I am considering changing my last name to Davenport because that is how everybody spells it already. That would upset my family, though.

Whenever I tell my brothers to stop doing something annoying, my dad tells me to stop being “Father David.” I can’t help it. My initials spell dad.

My middle name is Alexander. I grew up thinking it was after Alexander the Great, so I thought I had the name of kings. My mom told me the other day that it is after Alexander Hamilton and I don’t know how I feel about that.

People call me Dave, but I don’t like that because that name makes me think of a balding middle-aged man with a beer belly.

I am a Capricorn, but all the tests online say that my personality is a Libra, so whenever I see a horoscope thing I look at both and choose the one that I like more.

When I turn 18 I am going to get the tattoo that Phoebe Buffay has, but I am scared I will get Hepatitis from the needle.

I am worried that nobody will know when it’s my birthday, so I’ll go home and watch Netflix and be sad.

Some family members talk about how evil atheists are, and even though I am agnostic, not an atheist, it still hurts me.

I will probably have to hide my sexuality from half of my extended family for the rest of my life.

I have a disease called Hashimoto’s disease when my body attacks itself. Because of this, I can’t eat gluten and I am always tired, depressed and cold. This is genetic along with a couple other things I have, so I am planning on adopting all my kids.

I have lost 85 pounds, but I still feel fat.

I am irritated by half of the people that I meet and the other half is irritated by me.

I feel rebellious because I go to the puppy barn and hold the puppies even though I’m not 18 yet.

I have never seen Harry Potter or Star Wars and I don’t really want to.

I am on the Hope Squad, but I have missed the meetings for this term, so I feel like I should be kicked off of it.

Half of my top ten favorite movies are Disney and the other half are movies that everybody else hates.

Buzzfeed distracts me from my homework, but it’s okay if I fail all my classes as long as I know what type of chair I am.

The last time that I went to the zoo I cried because the animals were so miserable.

My top five favorite places are San Francisco, Disneyland, China, Colter Bay and my bed.

I probably won’t post something about my heart because my heart feels exhausted atm.

I want to talk to people whose blogs I have loved, but the word hi can’t seem to get past my closed throat. Strike up a conversation with me because I probably can’t.

When I like a song, I will listen to it on repeat until I can’t stand it.

I had my whole life planned out but when I had to choose my major on college applications I started doubting everything, so now I have five different careers I am trying to decide from. Those are a psychiatrist, a veterinarian, an industrial designer, an interaction designer and a video game designer.

I hate it when people say “that’s so gay” or faggot.

I feel like I annoy everybody, but they are too nice to say something, so I kind of just drift away so they don’t have to deal with me.

I spend my Friday nights at home distracting myself from the fact that everybody else is out with friends.

Even though I can’t have gluten, I work at a doughnut shop and have to get up on 6 every Saturday. I was in the accelerated class at school in 5th and 6th grade and was cooler then than I am now.

I was in the accelerated class at school in 5th and 6th grade and was cooler then than I am now.

When I was nine we had to move into my grandparents’ basement after my parents got a divorce. I was upset, but my mom said it was there or the homeless shelter.

Growing up I would spend my time at a creek near my house catching garter snakes. Then one bit me and now I scream whenever I see a snake.

I miss the days when I could sit on the couch and watch Hannah Montana and Zack and Cody and not have to worry about how I will pay for college.

Most of the time during lunch I will go and work on ceramics or walk around the halls pretending that I have somewhere that I am going.

When I was younger I had lots of ear problems so I don’t hear well now.

In fourth grade, I read all of the Twilight books, and people made fun of me.

I got tested for allergies and am allergic to 33 out of the 60 things that they tested for. The lady told me that weeds and trees are not my friends.

I have gone through a lot of therapists. The last one thought that I had a learning disability because I didn’t talk very much. I was just really shy.

I hate when I put an emoji and a website changes what it looks like. ūüôĀ

I have more followers on Pinterest than Instagram which I think is impressive because they are following me for me instead of follow for follow crap.

Everybody keeps telling me to get my drivers license, but driving terrifies me and my learners permit just expired.

In my mind, I swear like a sailor, but I never swear out loud because I don’t want to offend somebody.

If I go to a superhero movie you can pretty much count on me falling asleep.

Tap water gives me anxiety, but I don’t want to ruin the environment with bottled water.

I was at the store the other day and saw a big, long Christmas bone for a dog. I thought of how funny it would be to see my dog walking around with it. Then I remembered that he died on the second day of school. He had to live with my grandparents because we don’t have a fenced backyard and he would run away into the mountains.

I have been sick for most of this term, so I will probably fail half of my classes and that is making me feel like giving up on not just school, but life.

I would like to say that I will continue to post on here. I might for a little while, but honestly, I will probably get tired and stop posting. I will try to, though, even if nobody reads these blogs anymore.

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Social Anxiety

Here are the ridiculous things that give me social anxiety throughout the day:

Tripping on the dark bus

Having my arms full and not being able to hold the door for the person behind me

My wet shoes squeaking longer than everybody else’s

Coughing

Sneezing

Having to blow my nose

A scratchy voice from being sick

Stuttering

I didn’t do a senior quote in time because I was too busy having a panic attack about it

Having an idea for a blog post and then somebody posts the same kind of thing first

Being too big for the crowded hallways and bumping into everybody

Not having people to talk to in the halls and getting to my classes before everybody else

My stomach making noises because I don’t eat enough

Not being Mormon and having people judge me because of that

My arms looking too fat when I put them on a desk

Where should I put my arms when I am sitting at a desk?

My jeans not fitting right

Eating any desert because people will think that that is why I’m fat

Chewing carrots might be too loud

Pulling up my email to send assignments to myself because people might see the political newsletters I got signed up for

My nails being too short or too long

How are you supposed to respond to “What’s up?”

I want to say I’m doing well but people might think I’m weird and too proper but if I say that I am doing good people might think that I am stupid

My backpack being too full

My voice sounding too high

Not having friends to work with on group projects

My phone background

Getting out of desks

I might be sitting in somebody else’s unassigned seat

Getting clay on my clothes from doing pottery

Is that person saying hi to me?

Is that person waving to me?

My handwriting not being perfect

Wearing a sweatshirt all day

Being cold and mildly shivering all day

Having a different music taste from everybody else

How high should I raise my hand?

Going out in public with my family

Eating string cheese differently than everybody else

People asking me if I want some food that has gluten in it

My phone buzzing in class

Not having a lot of clothes and wearing the same stuff a lot

The shade of jeans I have

Phone calls

My walking pace matching up with the beat of the music

Social media

Not liking action movies

Getting called on in class

Knowing exactly what to say and rehearsing it in my head and forgetting when I get called on

The second I look at someone they look at me and think I was staring at them

Not being able to login to the Chromebooks

Posting this

I feel like a million bucks

Dear deer,
I’m sorry it had to end like this
That you were taken from your family too early
I’ll say hi to them when they are in my backyard late at night
and maybe plant some deer friendly food in the garden
I’m sure that they will miss you

That car probably didn’t see you in time
They might not have done anything if they had though

You were going about your business
And you got struck
You didn’t deserve that pain and suffering
All you wanted was to get to the other side

If it wasn’t dangerous, I would bring you flowers
I would surround you with beauty
Because you had a life too
And I’m sorry that it had to end.

Gauche

I’m sorry that I am so awkward in person

I don’t know what to do with myself

I try and write comments on other people’s posts but they alway seem inadequate

People compliment me on my blog and I don’t know what to say

I’m not used to attention

Sorry if you have had an awkward encounter with me.

 

Everybody seems to be posting less, but for some reason, I want to post more

My thoughts have become blog posts and I just want to hit publish

Nobody else is though and I don’t want to fill up peoples reader feed

I thought that I would want to post less, now that everybody knows who I am

But I want to post more

But other people aren’t posting as much

I’m overthinking everything

Helium

Late at nights thoughts would pop into my head

Death was beckoning for me to join it

Just a quick moment and it would all end

The anxiety

The sadness

The exhaustion

I researched the least painful ways to die because I didn’t want to feel any more pain

I decided that I was going to buy helium and make an exit bag

I was going to wait until after Christmas so that I didn’t ruin the holiday for my family

Death was closer to me than ever

But then I realized that if I died

It would all end

Not just the pain

Also the good stuff:

Laughing until I cry

Popping bubble wrap

Getting random compliments

Disney movies

Disneyland

Christmas Cheer

A drop on a roller coaster

That feeling when I make something that I am proud of

I would never have my first kiss

I would never fall in love

I would never become a father

I decided to I wouldn’t end it

I told death to go away

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I spent almost all of my time distracting myself

So that I wouldn’t do it

I watched Youtube videos to give me hope

Funny shows on Netflix

I pinned a lot on Pinterest(even though I’m a guy)

Now, death has been retreating

It could return

But I know how to handle it now

Suicide

My aunt attempted suicide a few weeks ago
She said that she felt like she had nobody to talk to

I don’t want anybody to ever feel like this

If you need someone to talk to or just want to chat, you can text or call me at 801-376-1535

If you don’t want to talk to me but still want to talk to somebody here are some hotlines-

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line 741741

Trevor Lifeline 1-866-488-7386

Anticlimactic climax

Everything I have written has led up to this point
Where I tell you who I am

It seems like just yesterday that I was starting this blog
I can still feel the anxiety from not knowing what people will think of my blog
People seem to like it though

There are a bunch of blogs I want to be friends with
But I don’t know if they want to be friends with me
If you wanna be friends comment haha

I’m scared that people will stop caring when they know who I am

I have hazel eyes and brown hair
I am 6’4
My brothers say that I don’t dab or shoot a basketball correctly but I don’t know why that matters if I’m having fun
I love Disney movies and Disneyland is my favorite place on earth
Katy Perry is my favorite music artist
I love stargazing and meteor showers
I have a horrible memory
I really don’t judge
I love to listen to people and help them with their problems
I can be really quiet or really loud and kind of obnoxious
I love animals
I love The Legend of Zelda games
Puns are my favorite kind of joke
Gluten can kill me according to my doctor
I need to be reassured a lot if you like me because I feel like I annoy everybody

My name on here is boring
But it is both of my grandpas’ names so oh well

 

I am David Devenport

You are awesome

I’m Scared

There’s something I’m scared to say
I’ve wanted to say it since I first started my blog
But honestly
I didn’t want people to stop reading my blog
I’ll probably lose followers for saying this
People might stop talking to me
I lost my best friend in eighth grade because of this
But I’ll tell you it anyway
Because I’m tired of not being completely real

I’m gay.

It feels so weird to say it out loud
It’s kind of a forbidden subject
When I told my mom she completely flipped out
She said that she was “worried about my salvation”
She said that the internet was influencing me
And I am making bad choices
I lost my phone for a few months
I had to promise I wouldn’t give in to these “feelings”

I’m scared I won’t have a relationship with her
When I am older, grown up and married
I might lose my mom
Because I want to be me

 

I hope that you don’t stop reading my blog
Even if you don’t agree with this post
I just hope that I won’t get bullied

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Follow the Yellow Brick Road we were told. It leads you to Emerald City.
The brick road has turned to brick walls that surround us.

When Dorothy’s house arrived it crushed our dreams.

The scarecrow got a brain, but he can’t use it because he can’t afford college.
The field that the scarecrow came from is now meat factory.

The tin man got his heart but lost it because you have to be heartless to be successful.
The woods where the tin man came from have been cleared for a housing development.

The cowardly lion got his courage and became the king of beasts, but his people live in poverty because of his greed.

The winged monkeys aren’t flying around us trying to take us to the wicked witch anymore. They are flying around in our minds trying to take us to hell.

Toto is having seizures because he came from a puppy mill.

In Emerald City, 650 people have been murdered so far this year and corporations control the government.

And the ruby slippers no longer help us because we don’t know what home is anymore.

 

 

<3

I love when their smile lights up the whole world

when they think something is hilarious and can’t stop laughing for 5 minutes

their sky blue eyes when you are looking into mine

their beautiful voice that always sounds like you’re singing

they make me feel like I actually matter

they text me every night telling me you love me

they listen to my problems and don’t judge me

when they tune out the world and are completely focused on your art

their art is so beautiful

they make everybody’s day better

they are the kindest person I have ever met

they are really intelligent

they have drive

they are just beautiful

 

just kidding

I’ve never been in love and made this up

but I do watch the occasional rom-com or rom-dram

and

this made me cry: